If my weekly Weight Watchers meetings were the Olympics, and the sport was Going Green, the coverage would go something like this:
These women have been counting points all week. Let's see how they do on the scale. Stepping up now is the woman from the Upper East Side. She's worked out hard this week and we should see some good results.
Because it's summer and so hot, these women are stepping on the scale without shoes. It's a requirement by the Weight Watchers Committee to lay down a piece of paper towel before they step on to remove all possibilities of athlete's foot.
That's right, Al. However, that towel is no friend to the environment.
It certainly isn't and we will be adding pounds to their weigh-in based on how many towels they take.
Here is the UES woman.
She's taking two towels. That's a .4 gain.
Absolutely. She doesn't look happy.
With these games you work hard all week and something so careless is going to cost you. Approaching the deck is the woman from Yorkville. Here she goes for the grab!
This is unheard of. One is standard, two is stretching it, but four!
This is going to cost her, no doubt. Let's see what the leader adds on...
It's a full pound! She's adding a full 16 ounces to her weight loss.
Unbelievable but deserved. Watch as she bunches the towels and throws them away.
Coming up next is the visitor from SoHo.
She should be very familiar with this practice as they crack down hard over there. And after seeing what just happened, I'm confident she's going to use just one.
Al GoreShe's looking in her purse. What is she doing?
I can't believe it! She is using her own socks. This is unheard of!
She's absolutely losing this week. Gold medal. I've never seen anything so perfect.
Bob CostasShe's in it to win it.
This is what went through my head as I waited for my turn at the scale. Woman after women grabbing paper towels by the handful.
I took my turn – with socks – and headed back to my seat.
The meeting began and our leader announced that this week's meeting topic would focus on the phrase “If only…” because people say, "If only ___________, then my weight loss would be successful."
Still steaming from all the paper towels, the first thought that popped into my head was, “If only we all brought socks to the meeting and eliminated the need to step on paper towels for two tenths of a second.”
The first woman's "if only" was “If only I had someone to clean up after me, I’d save more time.”
To which the leader replied, “You can always get disposable things!”
Before I had time to get mad, another woman said, “I line all my pans with tin foil and then when I’m done cooking, I just throw it away so I don’t have to scrub!”
It was too much...like a green Sanya Richards Ross, I sprinted into action, waving my hand frantically in the air.
The leader nodded to me.
“I’m a huge environmentalist and when you talk about disposable and throwing things away, it makes me want to rip my head off!”
The leader looked horrified and the entire room of women was staring back at me.
"If you do your own dishes," I continued, "and give that pan a little elbow grease, you can earn Weight Watchers activity points.”
The leader did say "Good point," but it was clear I wasn't winning any medals.
I didn't even get the usual smile and a nod when someone leaves early, which I had to do (I couldn't miss the synchronized swimming finals!).
When I got home, I made an Olympic size dinner - used my own plates and scrubbed my own pans.
And I imagined the coverage went like this . . .
She's going . . . she's going . . . she's won the Green Medal!