The Stingray Shuffle

Florida is full of dangers.  Sting rays.  Bull sharks.  Republicans.

Thankfully, when I was in Florida last week, I survived them all.

The biggest thing I survived was Stand Up Paddle surfing.

I had my first SUP lesson on the Intercoastal Waterway in Jupiter, where my friend took me for one of the greatest, coolest experiences of my life.


There were things I needed to watch out for.  Drifting into the middle of the Intercoastal and falling off my board were my biggest concerns.


But there was a more immediate obstacle as I entered the warm waters…stingrays.


Finally my television watching had paid off.

I had recently seen an episode of Lifeguard where the topic was stingray stings. To avoid them, you have to do the “sting ray shuffle.”  Instead of walking, you shuffle, moving the little buggers along so as not to accidentally step on them.  The scuffling scares them and they swim away, keeping your feet out of harm’s way.


When we were deep enough, I climbed onto my board and after a little while of getting the feel of it, I graduated to the standing position.

I felt so at peace searching for manatees and watching fish jump.  And I got to see some rays scurrying below me.

I was stunned when I lost my balance and fell into the water, but I kept calm and hoisted myself back onto my board.

I’m actually more sturdy and confident in the water than on land.  I’m famous for bumping into furniture, banging into walls, and tripping over things that shouldn’t be tripped over.

When I left Florida, I expected to leave the heat and humidity behind but New York was just as balmy.

Unfortunately, I knew what was coming next.  The dreaded, vampire-energy-sucking air conditioner.

I do not like the A/C.  The noise.  The fake air.  The menace to the environment.  Every year I wait longer and longer to install ours.  But the time had come upon us early this year.


I was just about finished tightening the last screw.  I was ready to settle in with a glass of wine to watch another Lifeguard episode, when I stepped off the two-step stool, lost my footing and came crashing down.

I had three punctures in the bottom of my foot.

I had managed not to be wounded not by a stingray's tail, but by an air conditioner's plug.


Later, as I lay in my hospital bed waiting for the doctor to stitch me up, I hummed new lyrics to a Rolling Stones song:

Hitch hitch hike baby
Across the floor
I can't stand it no more
Now come on baby
Now get into your slide
Just ride ride ride
Little 3-prong plug, ride!
Yeah yeah yeah do the A/C shuffle

Air conditioners aren't just bad for the environment - they're bad for your foot.  I'm heading back to my paddle board where the shuffle is safer.